Today was fun, today was good, today was tiring.

I woke up today to Auntie Yati's effort to wake me up in the form of nagging. Which means Uncle Asri & Co was here. He happens to be my dad's long time friend, friends since their university days. So close that I consider them relative and me and my siblings are childhood friends with their kids. I was supposed to go out with Nadira and all, but had to cancel cos of them. Did nothing but watch them play football on my Kirua(again, that's the PS2, u ppl should know this by now).

Then Amir wants to go to Pyramid, so I had to send him. He was meeting this chick. Me, Amir and Dinie went there, Dinie took the FTO for a spin while Amir went on a date with the girl-from-usj3 and I went off to get myself the FCUK Her Eau De Toilette perfume that I suddenly wanted since 3 or 4 days ago. Saw Gina and Hafiz, had a lil chat.

Saw a Kakashi t-shirt at AnimeTech. For those of you who thinks of buying me an extra belated birthday present but doesn't know what to buy, this t-shirt would make a good gift don't you think? I'll gladly have a size S.  Or maybe the Gundam model at Toys R Us priced 30++ bucks. Current fav Gundams are Saviour and Freedom. :D

Dinie picked me up and then I remembered that I have to go to Carrefour for my mom. Went there, and I think there's this lady who looks pretty much like a uhm...bapok, but I'm not that sure since if she.. I mean he is, then that would be the first time I see one of those, wearing tudung. Owh well, people have their stories.

Dropped Dinie off and went to pick Syana up who skipped work over a "sprained ankle" dan dilanda kesangapan. Lepak with the kaki bangku. Had to rush home cos Amir wants his ring back before they go back to Perak. It's so important to him that I bet his girlfriend/ex/whatever gave it to him. Abg Teh and Farhan were there. Those are my 2 other brothers, the sesusu ones. Gave Farhan some cds so that he can burn Mai-Hime for me. Syana was at my place too. My room was such a havoc with all these people and it doesn't help that we all happen to be a bunch of very loud people.

Had currypuffs and home-made pizzas, planned the Genting trip which will consist of my family+Uncle Asri&Co+(Auntie Aishah&Co-Kamal). Kamal's the cute brother(halfBrithalfMalay ) and he's not coming??!! Even more surprised to learn that he's actually in Subang or somewhere near here, and he's planning to join that Actors' Studio in Bangsar as he wants to be an actor. Another tidbit, my sis, Diyana said that he's actually doing some modelling work right now. Interesting how some people get up and get a move on to do something with their lives while some people are still stuck doing nothing yet have super big things playing in their heads. And another thing is I notice is years have gone by so fast I can't get over the fact that these "little" boys(they're all younger than me) are all taller than me!!

Finally Uncle Asri&co left, and instead of sending Syana home, we went to play foosball at that Asian Cafe place. Actually ajak Laili, but she's going to Hartamas instead and I have to be home by 11:30pm. So, screw that. We played for 2 rounds before a girl asked us to play against her and her friend. Played 2 rounds. Kalah sayur la me and Syana. Scored 2, or maybe 3 only. Damnamit. Haha. But it was really fun cos dah lame tak main foosball kan. Afterwards lepak Darussalam. Some guy at the next table left his ciggie case, full of Dunhill. I took 3 before that guy came back a while later looking for it. At least we gave the rest of it back right?

Lepak2, chitchat, then we go home. Owh yeah. I finally gave Syana her birthday present. An AC Milan clock.
Watched tv till 3 or so AM and now I might go to sleep. Anytime now. Funny thing was I rushed home to give Amir back his ring, he went back to Perak, and the ring is still at my finger. OoOps. Ha ha.

I found that wing broken to-day!
For thou are dead, I said,
And the strange birds say.
I found it with the withered leaves
Under the eaves.
- excerpt of My Butterfly-
by: Robert Frost
~ashness

and i kept breaking that rule over and over again.

interesting. the upcoming 261st chapter of Naruto is entitled, "The Death of Gaara". masashi kishimoto better not fucking kill him off after i've taken a liking for him dammit!! and Bleach scanlations have not been released due to Bleach7 move. haih~

woke up very late today. so did nothing but watch tv. then i officiated Kirua(that's my PS2's name). After ages of not playing games, i can't even do the basic tricks in Narutimett. damnamit. my lil bro wins effortlessly. i can only attack randomly with the bloody kunai and shuriken. and Soul Calibur 2 is very boring. why the hell did i choose it again? what's worse is my Sonic game is spoiled at purchase. which means i would have to go back to summit and complain irritably to them and get myself a new one.

Kalman came to Subang. claiming the cake i promised for his birthday. ajak ai, amoi, reena and fazee. but ai and fazee couldnt make it. syana n aida went to hartamas for some gig. so it was me kalman reena and amoi, dinner at darussalam. terserempak hamdi, el, and hana. terjumpe hoyo skali. then proceed to starbucks. caramel cream affogato+extra 4 shots of espresso. kesian kalman had to go through the whole girl talk. he was quiet most of the time. but then again maybe because he was nursing his stomachache. ha ha

then go home. called my bro up asking him to accompany me to KLIA to pick my sis up, arriving from her Bali trip.

Me     ;  : whatcha doin?
Bigbro : trying to get some sleep
me     ;  : teman me to klia plz. i have to pick diyana up. plz plz plz...
bigbro : hmmm.. ok la. come pick me up. i'm lazy to drive the storm
me     ;  : i'm sleepy so can u drive?
bigbro : no i can't. i'm sleepy, i cant drive. u drive
me     ;  : ok then, i'll drive. i'll be at ur place in 5 mins.
bigbro : ok, which car are you driving by the way?
me     ;  : uhhh, FTO. why?
bigbro : oh. then i can drive.

did i mention he loves my dad's car so much?

on the way to klia was ok. but from klia to subang was scary. especially when he floored it immediately after a toll and peaked at 180km/h before slowing down. then he floored it again after another toll where the road seemed to tilt to one side and he went really fast despite the curve we're at. me and my sis were screaming. i bet he's really going for that Craziest Driver status. i guess now i realize why i tend to have this no fear attitude towards other people's fast and risky driving method. after being a passenger of his driving, NOBODY else can scare me with their driving. i'm sure of it.

my sis bought me a lovely mirror. purple. i dunno how to describe it but it's nice. perfect for the new place.

owh. it was my dad's birthday on 18th May. got him a Topman tshirt. haha, my dad wears Topman. hahaha. i just like it cos of its print. haha. my dad wears Topman. hahaha.

feelings are amazing. once you allow them recognition, they change you immediately
~ashness

update! since i pretty much woke up, watch tv, eat, watch tv, went back to sleep, woke up then eat some more, today's not really worth mentioning. however, i stepped into the world yesterday so i'll mention that. yesterday me and fazee went to Lowyat for that Batman pendrive that she wants so much. it's a really cool-looking pendrive. thank God i dont have an affinity towards Batman.

then we went to Starbucks, this time i wanna try that caramel cream affogato style but with 2 shots of espresso instead of 1. that was nyummeyhh. and i cilok the cute lil cup of starbucks. next time i will get the fricking saucer. then later that night me and fazee went to starbucks, AGAIN i know. it's just that i wanted to try the caramel cream thingey with 3 shots of espresso plak. so there you, go 5 shots in a day. it was a nice day. next time i'm gonna try it with 4 shots plak.

and owh yeah, Fazee's gonna rave on and on about her Batman pendrive with full-on gedikness. i've had my share, next time the rest of you will too. haha. she tried to show-off the pendrive to my lil bro by asking if he likes batman, and it was funny how he simply answered with a flat-out NO. haha. should see the rejected look on fazee's face. hahahaha

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY KALMAN!!!

reading my blog doesnt let you know what i did today. someone told me that. on a random need to ramble i guess i should at least include what i did on a particular day. what more with me being the forgetful dobe that i am, one day i could at least skim through the archive to remind myself of what i did or said or where i went or what i bought or who i met or what i felt. maybe one day one of these would be something that i could hold on to. maybe one day these memories would be enough proof that i actually did lived. if there's anything that actually matters in my day significant enough for me to reminiesce about...as much as i highly doubt it.

i wish there was rain today. i wish it rained hard today. 

i went to swensen today. with fazee. entertained by syana and aida who btw, currently work there for the holidays. hanged out for about 4 hours. finishing 17 sticks straight. but it wasn't enough after all. i thought familiar faces and random conversation as well as the much needed cancer sticks could distract me. but it wasn't enough after all.

i am nothing but the mask i have perfected over the years
~ a s h n e s s

it manages to drive me insane everytime. to the point there exists this wild unsettling turmoil that i wish can drive a knife through it so that it goes away and stop suffocating me..literally. then what's left is the same hollow ache. drives me insane. and to think that what i described as a glimmer of hope is IT, makes me think that i deserve a hard whack in the head. i may need saving from it, but it saves me, so how do i totally let go? is this just how my crazy mind works? is this how i justify me being that pathetic of a being. or am i simply being masochistic? any how, couldn't find it. again, hate myself for being so bloody forgetful that i can't even remember where i put such an important thing. figured a new method though. not as effective but somewhat substitutes the missing for the time being. and i bet it wont show.

BAKA SASUKE

BAKA SHINN

BAKA ATHRUN

BAKA SHINN DUMBASS

BAKA BAKA BAKA ! ! !

if you know me then you know that my mood is easily affected by the animes that have themes, characters and issues i can relate to. bloody hell -baka characters that i love make things go wrong for other characters that i love and make me wanna cry. owh wait, i get too much into it i did cry. shimatta >.<* ...haih...chill...it's just anime. JUST ANIME. i hate it when it speaks to you, and you know exactly what they mean in non-literal sense and everything is all too familiar and apparent even in daily lives. i hate it. but that's the reason i get attached to it. but i still hate how it triggers me. like Oprah. i can't watch today's oprah, the topic was all too familiar i don't fricking want to watch it on tv. like i said, cos i understand it all too well. a part of me misses it even when i dont want to.

back to the topic of baka bishies. BAKA BAKA BAKA!!  owh wait, but i don't like Shinn, he annoys the fuck outta me. baka shinn and i don't mean it in a fond way as of the rest.

on an unrelated topic. went to pick rahimi up but found only omar instead, so i sent him home. on the way, Ashraf almost crash into me with his dad's sedan. totally his fault. makan jalan org. he laughed cos he knew it's his fault and then he saw me and then laugh again for his stupidity diplayed in front of me. i laughed along, just so he knows i'm in good terms with him. nasib baek la ko comel.

we suffer because of our bonds

~ashness

result's out! and i [b]passed[/b] 'em all!! hihihihihihihihihihi. i was so happy when i checked my result that i was screaming hysterically and bouncing up and down the bed and everywhere else in the house and almost cried. felt like a whole lotta burden had just been lifted off my shoulders. lookie lookie


i know i know, for ppl like fazee this is no biggie. but for someone who failed terribly in the 1st sem by scoring gpa of 1.75 then and now managed to get cgpa of 3.07 thus saving my ass from being kicked off ytm scholarship, this is a hell of a big deal. money money money. yesh yesh. and i'm getting a ps2 for this. yeahaaaa.

on another topic, i decided that iPod mini is not that big a deal anyways. Creative Micro Zen is better for my dad's financial health than an iPod mini, like for example i can get a [u]PURPLE[/u] colored(there are 10 colors to choose from) [i]5GB[/i] Micro Zen at the price of [b]RM870[/b] as compared to a [u]RM999[/u]-priced [b]4GB[/b] iPod mini and i can only choose from 4 colors(which obviously doesn't include [b]purple[/b]). And the Creative Micro Zen has more features than iPod mini for a cheaper price.

[u]Creative Micro Zen[/u] in Purple. i want this one(obviously)






other colors

and owh yeah. my dad reluctantly agreed on giving me a [u]Sony PS2[/u] if i get gpa of 3.5 and above. i want the skinny ps2. so kawaii, i saw one in summit that costs RM630. if there are cheaper ones do tell me. I'm gonna get one and call it Kirua.




and, i'm on the lookout for 2.0 speakers. 2 years of using headphones, i'd like a speaker plz. not a 2nd class citizen just cos i use laptop u know. 2.0 cos i think since i use just a laptop, it'd be too much too get a 2.1, what more with my future roommate's subwoofer. i so so so so want [u]Apple Pro Speakers[/u].



but it's too expensive so i might want an altec lansing instead. this is [u]Altec Lansing VS 2120 2.0[/u]




i like this one too cos of the bass-control feature regardless of the 2.0 status. this is [u]Klipsch ProMedia Ultra 2.0[/u]


BUT. it's too frigging expensive for a 2.0. haih...

and owh yeah. my new shoes


and bloody hell. my maid told me ytm ppl called. and later Baby told me that it's too inform us the below 3.00 scholars that there will be a camp in Taiping to torture us. hell i dun wanna go! i already got 3.07. please dont make me go!! arghhhhh!

and owh yeah. went to cyber to pay the rest of the stuff regarding the house. looking at all those money, i felt like stealing 'em and go shopping instead. lepak at terminal. stumbled upon ajee who happens to be frenz with jijie and atip. small world. went home, later hang out at carlos for shisha with fazee, iylia and azizi. that's it. on a totally unrelated topic, i threw azureus out of the window and installed bitcomet instead. bloody stupid azureus update screwed up evrything. my GetBackers had already been dloaded up to 90.3% and after the update it wont fucking move. bloody idiot. i hope bitcomet will work nicely. the interface is so pretty :D


[i]look at me and tell me you can keep me sane, for what i'm holding on to is not the past nor the present, but the future that might not come forth after all[/i]
[i][b]~ashness[/b][/i] 

Bloody hell. I had high hopes towards Firefox. My blog's header didn't come out right, so did the position and look of the links. And McAfee's update window won't launch in Firefox. And I really dont like those icons that appear in place of images that are loading. But hey, it's not like i ditched my IE.  I never really have any problems with my IE anyways. Firefox is cute, reminds me of a chibi and kawaii version of the Kyuubi. And I dig the 'open in new tab' feature.

Saturday. Discovered this new comic book store in SS 19. I'm not sure if it's new but I just saw it yesterday. Checked it out and I think it's pretty neat. Anime posters for sale, reading corner, and loadsa comics. There are English ones too, selling for 15bucks each compared to the usual 28++ bucks. But i'm not sure if the quality of the book and translation is like those of Tokyopop's. Got my Hunter X Hunter Vol 21 from there too, what's it called again? Interbook Network? or maybe InterNetwork of Books? Most probably the former cos it sounds better.

Bumped into Ashraf. Totally didn't recognize him at first. Couldn't believe the fact that I didnt recoginze him! We both glanced at each other twice but i gave him this odd look on the 2nd glance that says, who the hell are you and why the fuck are you looking at me like you know me? I think that's when he dedcuted that we're not on talking terms and abandoned his a pparent initial intention of saying hi. It's just that 2 quick glances can't let me immediately match his face to a name. Especially when he behaves differently than he usually does. Why the hell does he seem awkward and flustered now? He wasn't flustered and awkward on that Audiowarfare night when he gave me a heart attack as I was about to light a cancer stick on campus. It's impossible that he thinks i'm still mad at him cos personally, I dont think he gives a damn what i feel! fuck, why am i overanalyzing this? Maybe because I still think he's kinda cute and the fact that he fumbled like that in the store got me wondering. Not too cocky without his crowd huh? Too bad that by the time I remember him we left pretending not to know each other.

Later that day, had barbecue to celebrate Rahimi's birthday. His birthday was on 2nd of May. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOBOY!

Done a little bit of shopping in OU on Monday. Didn't really buy much. All purchases are done at DP. Shopping for a handbag is harder than i thought. I pretty much gave up on Guess's handbag by now. And a 133 ringgit belt? are they insane? Who in their right mind would hand in 133 ringgit for an awesome looking purple/lilac -ish suede belt with shiny clear and purple diamantees all around it and fits the waist like a glove?

Further shopping shall resume later. Sucks that result's coming out on Wednesday. I really want a 3++ GPA. that's all I can ask for right now cos a CGPA of 3++ is out the window all the way back then the day I got my 1st sem result.

Pain in the heart is apparent in the flicker of the eyes.
I guess I saw it in his eyes today, and  the pain was there because of me.

Saturday 1:19pm.

woke up at around 7:30 today. fricking early right? cos i slept early straight after i came back home yesterday. ha ha. so proud of myself for being the first person in the house to go to bed.

went to sg wang again yesterday. wani decided on that handphone, sony ericsson k508. i thought she's not gonna fill up my hp with her pics nemore now that she has her own camera phone, but she assured(if u can call it assurance) me that she will STILL fill mine with her face T_T

yesterday was super tiring cos i had to drive around like a slave driver to my siblings. first, sent Rahimi to mosque at ss19, then went ss14 to buy some dumb ribbon that Sabrina needs for school, then pick Wani up in ss18, send Sabrina to school at ss15, went back to ss19 to send Diyana who's going to her friend's place, went to USJ 3 to pick Fazee up, went through the bloody traffic and went to PJ to pick Reena up(PJ kan?) then pusing2 sampai lebam kat kg tunku to pick Punto up. itu pon dah bikin penat. blom masuk kl lagi.

on the way back nye havoc pusing2 takyah citer la. only fazee knows the deal. adek2 nye pasal again. haih... and then tak balek umah trus gi dinner with fazee and syana. by this time me and fazee dah takmo drive dah so syana had to drive. lepak makan shisha balek tido.

got a birthday present for Asma. and i sorta just remembered that my bro's bday is on 2nd May. dammit. i owe so many people birthday presents. one of the things i wanted to do in the holidays is to buy birthday presents for friends. HAIH again. then i remembered else than bday presents i owe other ppl stuff too. like Anna for all the stuff she send me for my birthday as well as for fun, Rin's bday "purple weed", Clare's awesome handmade t-shirt, and Vic, all the stuff she sent me for no occasion. A lot. and they're all good, i dont deserve it. and the anime she sent me for my bday present! all these needs to be repayed. I WILL SETTLE MY DEBTS WITHIN THIS HOLIDAY!! adoi.....

eh, this entry cam dah panjang. esok2 la resume. nak tgk anime nih. gonna dedicate today to watch animes only. ganbatte ne~

Ja ne~
Saturday 1:55pm

nothing much is new. just new background, chucked out the borders. get rid of the non-existing flooble chatterbox thingey. and added this slideshow-ish thing on the right here.

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wanted to update the links, but I didn't ask for permissions yet. that's for later.

crap. my hard disk's full again. and i have this blinding pain in my left thigh i dont know why. i cant watch my animes cos i gotta get up early to do some fetching and sending people tomorrow. and servicing the car this time costs 600+ bucks! changed the whole hose and timing belt and whatnots.

damn. 5:04 am. tido tido tido.

honestly, i'm beginning to think that the story on my previous blog is fiction. it's too narrative to be real. heck, whatever.

the point that matters know is...it's the fricking holidays!! 2 months of lazing my ass off. 8 bloody weeks of mindlessness!! hoho. well no, not really. there will be days when i will be DRAGGED out of my bed before noon, or constant naggings of "do you have to get out every single day?" and "you'd rather spend your time with your friends than your own family?!" or "if YTM drop you, you're going to get into another uni cos we don't have the money to pay your fees" and "can we expect a 3.00 pointer this time?" or "when are you going to learn how to cook?".

god help me.

but then again there's the fun bits. fun includes;

• bday present from my parents. I got a Mascot crystal pendant necklace. it's crystal. i was hoping it was diamond, they tried to trick me into thinking that it's diamond but helllloooooo, i used to have this dream of owning my own diamond outlet so i think i would know how to differentiate a diamond from a crystal! but hey, i'm grateful, i wish it was Swarovski instead. nyehahhahaha. owh well, with this cheap crystal, i might still be able to churn out an iPod from 'em. yummy, fun indeed.


• probable trip to Penang next week with MMU buddies, yeah, the girls. we're gonna have so much fun. surely i can go right? heck, my sis gets to go to Bali, it's unacceptable if the folks wont allow me to go to the northern part of this very peninsular! 


• probable trip to China, courtesy of my 2nd mom!! yeay!! i've never been to China, so that's waaay cool. that will probably take place in June, towards the end of the holidays though, so hopefully no supplementary paper will get in the way.


• shopping!! shopping is always fun. but since i already spent the dough my dad gave me on other stuff that i cant provide receipts to(ie ciggies, pool, foosball, daily spendings), i am gonna have to compensate with my own bloody money. -_-; or else i wont get the 2nd half of money.


• moving to new apartment. yups. i already have ideas on how to decorate my room. muahahhahaha. and i already have the big fat mattress. i think i'm just gonna need a table, japanese style chair, curtains, long flowing fabric for the wall, simple cupboard and a little bit more space! ackk. that shall be very fun if i dont die of stress.

owhkay. enough with that. let's get on to serious business. gone a wee bit crazy on the ANIME&MANGA department. right now i've gone berserk on downloading stuff. on my Azureus downloading list are:

• TRC epi 2


• You're under arrest- J drama epi 1(i wanna see how natsumi and toukairin's human version looks like)


• Loveless epi 1 & 2(yaoiness)


• GSD phase 25


• Tactics final epi


• Lunar's Bleach epi 24-27(this was supposed to my sister's job, but she screwed up the home's pc again)

Other than that i've been downloading DeathNote manga and Naruto chap 256 and will be getting My-Hime from my big bro. i've also given up downloading from directmanga, and planning to go to comics corner in SS 15 to buy the whole set of Hunter X Hunter manga, if it's not available there, i am going to Comics House in PJ. i spent RM 200++ on Saiyuki Reload mangas(4 books) and DN Angel mangas(2 books+deposits for the next 3 books), so surely i can spend RM100 on 20++ volumes of HxH. which reminds me, i need to give Fiona a call since she emailed me that the books are already available(which will be another RM98). i am going to be dead broke, inclusive of the Penang trip somemore.... x_X;

God please don't let YTM take back my scholarship. plz plz plz plz plz. i think i'm gonna have to call mr kassim so I can beg him from kicking me off the list of scholars.

Nadira went to UK till May. so i hope she will get e something nice from there as my birthday present. yeay*praying very very hard*

this is an extract of a blog i once read and i find it very heart-breaking. i dont know if it's a true story or fictitious. but i believe we can learn from it regardless. 

"The four of us were the best of friends. me, Daniel, his little sister Casey, and Desmond. Case and Daniel are younger siblings of Sean, a good friend of my big bro. Sean's family was my bro's foster family when he was studying in UK. Sean's family and ours became close because of that. Occassionally they come and visit us here, that's how I got to know Daniel and Case. Desmond was a family friend who migrated to UK when he was 8. those 3 people were my most treasured friends. The ones i would never neglect and will always be on top of my list. I can lose anybody at all in this world but not Daniel, Case and Desmond. I was especially close to Daniel. even though we live so far apart when we were teenagers, we always kept in touch. Daniel would call and crank up the bills till aunt Shelly had to kick him in the ass to hang up the phone. I would always chat with Case on the net and occasionally Dan would butt in. Desmond would send occasional emails. They would all send pictures in letters as well as the weirdest gifts they think would most amuse them more than me.

Well here's the thing bout Dan, his dad died of what they call a severe allergic reaction to drugs. In a college reunion party, his dad tried a new pill for old time's sake but his blood and respiratory system reacted very badly to the contents in the new drug. He died after being in a comma for one week. Sean and Case was especially against drugs since that. But somehow, as close as we thought we were, we never knew that Dan is somewhat depressed. He was lonely. He was this special guy, a very smart misunderstood guy. He wasnt all that goodlooking, and sometimes he can be downright annoying, but he has a big heart. Those who are dear to him will be protected and cared for no matter what. The death of their dad resulted in unfortunate turnouts. All the siblings grieved in their own way, unfortunately. Each of them withdrew from each other, dwelling in selfmisery. Sean became rigid, Daniel became depressed, aunt Shelly became paranoid of losing another loved one and Case had to become independent since the support of the family begins to crumble. Sean felt responsible to replace his dad's place as father to his younger siblings. he became strict and was especially hard on Dan since he became uninterested in studies and was more into drinking, getting high and whatnots. Else than that Dan was lonely. Desmond had his own life to deal with, I was so far away, and basically all of us simply did'ut understand him.  Sometimes he was too smart for us to comprehend, and I believe he was disappointed that we, the ones he cherish most simply can't communicate with the things in his head up to the point he believed he had no one in this world to hold on to. Things become so terrible that he believed his only source of happiness was by getting high and getting drunk. Case couldn't get to him, Sean only managed to annoy Dan and only Desmond who was the one closest to him after me tried to take care of him. I don't know what was in Daniel's head, he didn't see that we were all there for him, all he knew was, the world was against him.

I remember one day he called me, crying. The things he said were almost incomprehensible. I wanted to help, I wanted to be there, I wanted to hold him and tell him things will be ok, just like back then when we were younger and things were simpler. He was angry, he was sad, he was lonely, he was used, he was heartbroken, he was confused, he was everything in the same moment that nothing I said could make it right. He became exasperated that I can't say the things that he wants to hear so he screamed at me,saying blatant painful words to me about how I can't understand his pain and can't accept that him being on drugs and evrything as his way of keeping what's left of his sanity. He wanted me to believe that the drugs actually made him a happy person. I tried to tell him that what he takes are all temporary fake happiness, eventually the euphoria dies down and what is left is emptiness, eventually his life will be destroyed if this were to be left unhandled. I asked him to let us help, and he only screamed that the only help he'll be getting will definitely not be from us. And slammed the phone. I called Desmond to please go to Dan and watch him.

The next day I received a phone call from a frantically crying Case. Dan was admitted, she wasn't sure if it was an OD or a severe allergy reaction to multiple pills Dan had taken the night before when he went to a party. All she knew was Dan passed out, bubbles foaming out of his mouth, eyes bulging red as he sweats like a pig but shaking as if it was -17 centigrade and was still unconscious. His stomach had to be pumped and she said he was in a coma. I asked her how bad is his condition. The doctors said he's in a coma, and Case was barely forming sentences when trying to tell me that his body became swollen just like how their dad was before he died. Aunt Shelly was crying, Sean was angry and worried, and Desmond felt guilty since he couldn't take care of Dan like i asked him to. I became speechless. My mom was worried for both Dan and for aunt Shelly, so was my brother, concerned about Sean so we booked the next flight there.

When we got there everyone had this pale, tear-streaked faces. He was still unconscious, but he mumbled and cried in pain in his coma as if he was in a tormenting nightmare but couldn't wake up. Desmond was crying by his bedside, and it hurt me deeply to see this is what had became of us. Kills me inside to see Daniel in such pain and Desmond in such misery as well as Case in the state with such fear in her eyes. The fear of losing her brother the same way she lost her dad.

Desmond told me what happened the night he passed out. They had a fight. Daniel said some harsh things. Things like he hated us. He hated us for making him believe that we can save him when he falls, hated god for taking his dad away, hated his own dad for dying, hated aunt Shelly for letting all of them dwell in their own misery, hated Sean for pushing him over the edge, hated Case for looking at him with eyes knowing that he is going downwards, hated me for not being able to help him, hated Desmond for trying to get in the way of what's left of his happiness in his life, the temporary euphoria. He spurted out hate for everything, mostly the hatred for himself, hated his mind for his depression, hated the voices in his head, hated his tainted heart. He hated us for not understanding.

If only Daniel knew that there were people who needed him more than he needed us. If only Daniel knew that there were other people with worse tragedies in their lives. If only Daniel knew that there other misunderstood people in his life. If only Daniel knew that there are others who were fighting with all they can for their lives while he was throwing his life away. If only he knew how much we cared. If only he knew that his friends are us and not those hippie high-loving, e-popping assholes. If only he knew that Desmond is actually dying of AIDS.

Yes, AIDS. Desmond is actually a product of a prostitute and drug abusing man. Only my family knows it because Desmond was given for adoption to my mom's friend. He was tested HIV+ when he was 8 and was diagnosed with AIDS when he was 12. He had to rely on medicines to keep his body functioning. But his health deteriorates drastically. But I knew of cases where people with AIDS could live on for years till their immune system totally collapse. I believed that Desmond could live on for years more. And after Daniel wakes up things will be alright again. But Daniel lied in coma for 3 months. My mom told me that his body was getting better, the drugs were extracted up to the point that the harmful contents of the drugs were minimal, and technically he was healing and his life wasn't in danger anymore. But mom said, he won't wake up because in spirit, he wanted to sleep a little longer. He didnt want to face us, he didnt want to face the world, he didnt want to go through the same pain he went when he was awake. So my mom told me that was why he won't wake up. He needed a rest.

At the same time I was worried about Desmond. His health deteriorates drastically as days go by. He was admitted several times. One day he caught flu. my mom told me, for an AIDS patient, even a flu is dangerous to his life, as the body can't fight the flu and in turn his whole body function gets affected and confused in the process. That's how the whole body then rots from the inside. I thought he could fight it. But he couldn't. It went too fast. I tried holding on to Desmond, but I can't. One night, he wanted to see me and Case. He said he was sorry about Daniel regardless of the fact that no one blamed him. He said his biggest regret was not being able to hold on to his life long enough for all of us to be together again, happy as we were in our younger days. And he really wished that he could talk to Daniel one last time. We couldn't take it anymore by then. We somehow knew this was the end. We knew that there was no way all 4 us can return to the way we were before. We once promised that all 4 of us will eventually get out of our parents' home and get our own penthouse and paint our parts of the penthouse a different colour. I see all those simple promises of our childhood fading away into a dream impossible to grasp.

Daniel woke up after 4 months lying in coma. Desmond passed away 2 weeks before he wakes up. He wakes up a different person. He learnt his lesson the hard way. He remembers the pain he was in when he passed out, the swollen, the shaking, as well as the time his stomach was pumped. He vaguely remembers it. As happy as we were for him, we couldn't hide the grief of losing Desmond. He asks frequently of Desmond, wanting to meet him and ask for forgiveness for the words he sputtered. We can only say he went away, and that we will bring Daniel to him after he comes out of the hospital. I know how this will hurt Daniel more than it had hurt us.

The day Daniel saw Desmond's name on the tombstone, he was as expressionless as the stone itself, but tears were streaming down his face like a heavy downpour. He didn't get to see Desmond for the last time. His last days with Desmond was filled with anger and hatred and he didn't even have the chance to say sorry to Desmond after he decided to turn over a new leaf and start a new life. There was nothing but pain of regrets in his eyes and all me and Case could do was hold his hands as he cried endlessly in front of Desmond's grave. "

frankly, i'm geting fricking bored with this blog. maybe i'll open a new account in LJ, but i'm rather reluctant due to the fact that my sis has hers there. hmmm, which reminds me, my dad let her drive his car!! whoa, hoho. he trusts her to drive his car huh. and speaking about my dad, he bought me my spaghetti tomyam and will be delivered to me by the help of wani amoi. yeah! ayah besh.  cant wait for my food to arrive( includes lontong, karipap and maybe nescafe o ice) hehe. XD XD

funny how ppl in this place is connected to each other. like i recently discovered that the anime guy who helps me with flashfxp is actually kalman's former roommate, u know, the one that kalman can't get along with.haha, i just think it's funny.

finished reading bleach till 170. sugoiieee! and king aka raje kong aka apek jual kangkung just sent me 171. gonna read it later. finished reading Naruto last week. 252 RAW is out, waiting for the translated one. waiting for Baka!'s Memory Yields fic at yondaime.net to be updated. searching for a site that takes translation requests. i have loadsa Naruto DJs that i wish i can understand! Looking for more of Shinji Yamaguchi's RK djs. translated or not, doesnt matter. contemplating on dloading old animes like Yami No Matsuei, Gravitation, Weiss Kreuz, Wolf's Rain due to yaoi implications. but maybe later. i bet boxtorrents wont have any seeders for old animes. really hungry for manga but i dont know if it's the connection or maybe it really is busy at directmanga.com, i cant dload shit i tell ya! and my sis is taking care of dloading TRC for me.

oh crap. what the hell am i babbling here. i'm supposed to do my BMK and BMC assignments! BMK's due tomorrow, and as usual, havent even read the articles yet. i'm supposed to submit my part of BMC to Lit Chen tomorrow but argh, again, havent started on shit yet. crap crap crap.

oh yeah, reading my sister's blog got me curious.

Love is in the air!

what the hell does she mean? who? her? with whom? when? how? wtf? *kaklong penyebok*

owh well, better start on my assignment. i cant be worse off than katik. i'd kick myself if i could.

Ja ne!

hey, it's rather good that nobody goes to this blog anymore. while i figure out my emo blog's password, i shall vent my ludicrous childish depression-ish crap out here.

i hate beyond hate the word CARE now. FUCKING HATE IT. you know why? cos it's too subjective. the whole idea of care is just too subjective. there should be a universal, uniformed guideline as to how care is shown, how care is said, how care is make known, and as how care is supposed to be treated. dont understand? it's okay. adults or young adults won't understand this cos this is more likely a childish crap that only someone who acts and speaks and thinks childishly would understand. cos young adults and above UNDERSTAND that the word care is something so subjective and is not something one can define and judge personally. if one has become too darn objective and only accepts clear cut answers(inevitable, due to our education system), lemme put it in a more simple manner. CARING is something personal, individual and unique, and in fact very vague to put to judge. that's why, most of us have gone beyond the stage of bothering who cares and who doesn't. why so? it's something that is felt and shown and done in each of their own personal manner, sometimes even to the point that the one that's being cared about doesnt even know that someone out there cares for them. I care for people in my own way. some others care for their loved ones in their own ways. and unfortunately, in this fucking reality, every individual is different, so each of their method of "caring" is fucking different, and again, unfortunately, one may not fucking know that someone fucking cares for them.

some people think, care is about opening up to the person you care about. nope, nu-uh. some people do still in fact care about you, but at the same time tries to protect themselves by not opening up. you say, "if u care for me, u would trust me". wrong again. one CAN care without truly letting themselves out in the open. why so? some people have been hurt one too many times by opening up to ppl that they care about, and that may cause them to become less trusting towards even the most honest and sincere of beings, but it doesn't mean that they have to stop caring.

there are people who cares by giving you space, people who cares by sms-ing you everyday, one who cares by knowing their place in your life and be there only when they know you need someone but anybody else can't be there, one who cares by reading your blog everyday just to see if you're okay, one who cares by making sure that you have someone to care for you even if it's not them to do the honour. someone doesn't have to call you, or sms you to be someone that cares. who the hell are you to judge whether someone cares or not? it is very subjective, it is not something you can decide and say, "owh she doesnt give a damn about me" or "she spends her credit to call/sms me so she fricking cares bout me" or "she tells me her deepest secrets which means she trusts me which means she cares for me". YOU DONT HAVE THE FUCKING RIGHT TO JUDGE THAT. you may perceive it that way or any way you want, but you have no right to judge whether someone cares or not cos you dont know in what fucking way they care for you! i really really HATE the word care now, because i've had enough of people thinking that I dont fucking care about them, just because i dont show my care the way THEY want to. just because i dont call you, or sms you, or ym/msn you, or reply your comment/testimonial doesnt fucking mean i dont care. there are people that i know arent that close or too depending on me so i will make sure that i'm only there when they truly need me. just because you cant see that i read ur blog evryday to make sure you're okay and make sure you have someone to talk to, or check on your status every 5 minutes to make sure that you dont have a bad day, doesnt mean i dont care. i admit. it seems somewhat of a less way for a person to care. but i dont take too much of it when you dont do the things you expect me to do to you, so why are some of you being biased and saying things like this friendship has ended or saying that you've lost me even when i'm still holding on to this? if you want me to think on your level and judge on your benchmark, then i would have every right to say that you're the one who doesnt care about me! what do u have to say for yourself, since if you have that kinda benchmark for judging, then clearly it's you who doesnt care?

the world doesn't revolve around you dear. MY world doesn't revolve around you, as much as i care for you, it DOESN'T. and if your life purpose is to surround yourself with people whose world revolves around you, then i guess it's the right decision to chuck me out of your life. then you will realize that one day, nobody's world will ever revolve around you. ppl will care but it's highly unlikely to have someone like that. i know. cos you and me are really alike. it's just that i've gone beyond your stage. i've fallen. i've gotten up. i've been beaten. i've fought back. i've stayed hush. i've expressed. i've been ignored. i've ignored. i've let it all out. i've kept it all in. i've misunderstood. i've been misunderstood. i've trusted. i've been betrayed. i've taught and most importantly from all these, I HAVE LEARNT.

it's about time that you stop going along in life wondering who would care for you unconditionally. just believe that there are people who cares, regardless of whether they show you or they say it to your face. regardless of whether their way or level of caring for you is up to your standard or not. care could be something as obvious as a phone call every 3 hours or as oblivious as someone who breathes in relief for the fact that you are still alive and well. you are not the one to judge that. even if you cant see it you cant say it's not there. even if you cant feel it you shouldn't believe it's not there. maybe this is something you can argue if you're in that whole lovey dovey relationship. but it's not something you can argue, define, judge or compare when it's in the context of friendships.

i hate the word care. cos it brings so much expectation of how a person should behave. but in case you wonder, i do care. you can argue as you want that i dont because i have no proof or have never made any implications obvious enough for you to let you know that i care. you can choose to let me go and deny whatever relationship we had, but that doesn't mean i didn't care or stopped caring. it's just the kinda care, in the way that you can't see or comprehend. and somehow, yes, it's my loss for not showing it the way you want it, but it's your loss for someone who cares without showing it right to your face are those that truly didn't ask for anything in return but your happiness, well being and promise of friendship. if i dont care, i would say it to you and ask to cut all ties, albeit platonic as that's how i wish people would do to me. perhaps it's true that i dont care for you as much as some other people do towards you, but it saddens me that you would think that you're no longer a part of me and have me on my way out of your life because of that.

i said i hate the word care, but there's just too much of it in this entry enough to make me puke. ugh.

when you forgot the password fo r the emo blog.

it's one of those nites. u choose not to sleep. but choose to ponder on crap and focus on nonexistant lies. or is it? being awake alone is a knife, slit through every inch of reality and rationale and logic and gratitude. or is it? it's pointless. and dangerous. if only it's somewhere reachable. wait. it is. but pretend that you cant see it. it's not worth it. this is all just a mindgame. meant to confuse. meant to make u lost. meant to harm. meant to hurt. meant to make u disappoint urself. meant to make u disappoint others. meant to make u look into the mirror and shatter every bit of it imagining that's the very demon inside u want to destroy. the shreds of glass in your knuckle wont matter. cos u wont feel the pain. it has been long since you let go. waiting i guess. for THAT moment, when nothing in this world matters. at least, when you forget them and beyond giving a damn whether they matter or not. cos you dont matter.

org tulih pepanjang pasal hp kene cilok, bab yg abg docker's chomey je korang bace. haihhhhhhh

okie, it's been long. the day before yesterday me, syana, aida, reena visit salman at Gleneagles. yesterday me, hanisah and erlene went shopping in megamall! whoohoo, akhirnye dpt 4 baju baru. thanx to hanisah and erlene. and if u see me wearing a striking pink top, BLAME HANISAH. and she's proud to take the blame too. then jumpe kalman, sian dea menonong sorang2 ikot kiteorg shopping. then dea nak tgk Eiffel I'm In Love. lawak tuh lawak ah. but a simple love story which is almost pointless for 2 and a half hours? tak abih movie i went out for a cig. dtg balik movie dah abis. agak menonong gak ah sengsorang carik they all. dah le tade hp. haihhhh. nasib baik reti carik. then antar lene ke BJ, then balik subang. sian kalman satu ari tak makan. ajak syana aida lepak. aida tak brani nak sneak out. ape daa. dulu first time dea sneak out sape ajar? ALIA la jugak. haihhhh.. syana sneak out, menurut dea "risk her life". drama lebeh, balik lambat tade pon kene marah. lepas makan kat silva antar kalman. then balik. pastu smalam sakit paler gile babi..sampai sambil chat leh tido.

today, bangun lambat. lil bro suh antar gi skola. tak larat. suh dea gi sendrik. officially dea lambat. then aida call suh kuar minum. ok. mandi siap2. then antar si kenit gi skola agama, then gi chatters 17. mahal, gerak ravi 14. ade syana ngan azam skali. then aida antar azam, and gi amik laili. lepak jap. then deaorg went to my house. syana dah kempunan internet. menurut syana umah havoc cam adek bradek 80 org. padahal yg ade waktu tuh 3 out of 5 of us jer. lom tgk sume kumpul. lagi mereng. then gi umah laili, then gi 15..aida tak ikot. jumpe zerol, ha, hamdi. lepak2 merapu dan pow okok ha kesayangan ku. then balik. syana hyper gile sbb dea kebosanan. YOU DONT WANT TO BE STUCK IN A TRAFFIC JAM WITH SYANA. leh mereng tau tak?? adehhh. so skang tgh nak layan samurai champloo. awesome i tell u. gorgeous!~! nyummy. damn, as if u guys know what i'm talking about. haihhh, asal kwn2 ku tadek muka anime nih...*sigh*

okie, the ashness doesnt want to be bothered. whoever buzzes me when i have my busy sign up on YM....jaga baikkk ahhhh!

Your Love Style Is... Shy!

Something is holding you back. You are a caring person with lots to offer but for some reason you are afraid to let go. Everyone needs love and you are no exception so don't be scared to take the plunge. Come on you know you want to.

What is your Love Style? Find out at DatingTips.ws

haha, tade kerja.

wokeh, lame tak online. kene paksa balik kampung. nasib baik org gila teman gayut. had a great conversation. have a newfound respect towards him. then my uncle and auntie potong so had to hang up. had fun with my lil cousins, even though they've forgotten who i am cos dah lame tak balik. kene buli ngan cousins and uncles. jumpe nenek ku(BLUEKKK!!!). gaduh ngan grandpa sbb tanak dok sane sampai ahad. kene halau balik kl pagi2 buta ari jumaat. naik flight sorang2, best la plak. balik je breakfast kat rasa cafe. saw hoyo jaga gerai pepagi buta depan umah iylia.

ok. pastu dah tak ingat dah what happened. so citer what happened smalam k. yesterday gi shopping ngan my dad kat one utama. waktu smayang maghrib kat surau, handbag kene cilok. babi nye betina. lepas smayang sedar handbag dah tade. jadi lost la skejap. kunci keta, hp, kunci bilik hostel and purse  ade dlm tuh. mencarik dlm tong sampah one whole floor cos we think the bitch might've just threw it away cos dlm beg duit ade 4 ringgit jer. then gi information counter, tanye ade lost n found tak. turns out my handbag was there!*yeay* the lady says ade security guard kejar that bitch waktu dea kuar surau, and then the bitch threw my handbag away but managed to take my hp. evrything else ade. except my 3200, my purple rob bourdon covered 3200. i'm the type that tak hapal hp number. serious lost. canne kalau org gila tuh call?!! and how to call him? nak kene tunggu dea online la plak. haiihhhh. i was pissed beyond pissed smalam, i swear if i ever get that bitch i'll slap her right then and there tak kesah in public or not. and aku sumpah pompuan haram yg mencurik dlm surau tuh mati accident on the way dea balik umah ke ape ke. sampai mati aku tak maafkan, ko dah nazak kang ko suruh la anak cucu ko dtg mintak maap kat aku kalo tak roh ko tergantung sampai kiamat. dosa ngan manusia hanye leh dimaafkan dgn mintak maaf dgn that person ataupon taubat nasuha gile2 babi nyer. waktu ilang handbag tuh dah nak nangis. kalo ilang keta la tuh dah gile skejap kot. hishhhh. takleh bayangkan. *terbayang perasaan abg fazli waktu gti dea kene cilok*

nasib baik dpt balik purse, tiket LP, tiket incubus, LPU membercard, ic, lesen...*pheww* hmmm, pastu leh la beli hp baru! yeay... nak either hp hanisah or hp dziya. or if u guys have a better suggestion tell me k. reena sure tanak bagi i beli 7610. hohohoho. dengki. but my dad says kene denda tunggu sebulan cos tak reti jaga barang(second time nih ilang hp)...elleh, ckp je lebey org tua nih. abg security hero ku dpt 20 bucks from my dad. yeay. murah rezeki sampai mati. amin.

ok, lepas dpt handbag sambung shopping sket pastu makan saltin boca then balik. tak puas ati kat my dad tahap gaban cos patutnye gi shopping for my stuff, but ended up dea yg shopping sakan. i just bought ONE baju esprit. he bought 2 dockerspants, 2 LEVI'S pants, and 1 esprit pants(katenye tuk relax2 tgk tv). BINGITTT!!

huhuhuhuhu, sedey nih. bile ade duit tade mende nak beli, beli tade duit semua mende nak. nak credit card. :(

ok, kengkawan kesayangan. plz do me a favour and send me ur hp number to my YM. so that i can save it under contact details. my new hp nanti will use the same number i had, so dont delete my number just yet. and kalo nak kuar ke lepak, jgn gune alasan henpon ilang takleh contact. phone umah ader lagi. heheheheheh :D

ps: abg kat docker's tersangat la comeyyy. ngan tinggi dea ngan goatie dea. *haihhhhh*

well hellowwww ppl. merdeka update. extra extra! ok, after a long, tiring, yet kinda fun conference on YM discussing our merdeka plan(mane taknye, org2 yg kat kedah, johor, pon skali nak berbincang), we decided to stay overnite at melia kl. 7 of us, me, hanisah, erlene, reena, wani, syana, aida went to that hotel at around 3/4 pm, got a nice room facing times square(hence the ridiculous pics of us on the window sill). had a nap while the girls gossiped since i didnt sleep at all the previous night. and yeah u girls, i heard most of it. tapi tak larat nak nyampuk jer. heheh

bangun, siap2, gerak. walked all the way to klcc. syana nak tgk the AF. especially si telinga capang tuh. meet up with dziya, ajan, nain and hamdi there. ate at burger king. waited so fucking long for dd. the whole point of staying in the hotel was so that we're not one of those who get caught up in traffic jams. ended up we were stuck waiting for dd like dumbasses in klcc. and klcc sucked. with the indons and the rempits. gosh i hate those malays. we went to bb instead. it was a better crowd. cos they're chinese. they dont bother ppl who were simply walking in front of them and minding their own business. we were sweating like a pig by then.

got a seat at san fransisco coffee. watched the street party/street havoc of spraying each other with those foam thread thingey. insane crowd. determined not to get any smeared on my tudung. but we innocent bystanders got some too. syana and aida went into the crowd so that they can see the fireworks but they were bombarded instead by ppl randomly spraying at them. us, who were left at sfc were attacked from behind. turned around only to find out it was hanisah! damn u ju on.  basically evrybody kotor. that thing was like cotton candy sticking on face, hair, clothes. damn, and my one and only tudung!

waited. for dd and dziya and kalman who joined the crowd earlier. jumpe ramai org. atan ade. amik gamba ngan wani. suka la dea. sengeh gile babas dedua eko tuh. ade hoyo. aiman. sophia. mel. and kekawan deaorg sumer la. simply hangin out there was fun. random ppl just came up and sprayed at us. erlene's hair cam sarang burung. hanisah made a cute sulky face lepas kene spray. hamdi kene attack tak ingatnyer ngan hanisah...setan dak nih sebenarnye. syana ngan bendera atas paler dea. while we were taking pics of ourselves looking ridiculous yet happy, a caucasian snapped our picture from afar with his cam. ade minah arab yg jenis berpurdah pakai satu badan kain itam skali was in the crowd and spraying at ppl. kalman, aida badan penuh foam threads takyah nak ckp ah. tgk gamba. at that point there were no lines between races and citizenship. evrybody joined in the fun and happily spraying each other, regardless of race and whether they know these ppl or not.

after sume dah berkumpul, went to mamak nak minum. sempat tido kat sane tuh. siot jer depa amik gamba. and then balik ke hotel. mandi gile heaven. then lapar. turun ah ngan selekeh nye ke 7-11 sbb ingat tade org. tak sangka ramai lak dak2 lepak situ. wat maggi kat 7-11 pastu balik semula ke hotel. nasib baik org hotel tak ckp ape. then tido. tido hotel besh oo, walaupon kaki terase cam tgh kene kapak. besok bangun ingatkan nak gi times square. tapi sumer org tak larat. so balik la subang tros. kfc. balik. abis citerrrrrr.

hoho, bought the studded purple sling bag from MNG. the material's not really up to par with the damned price but the color and the stud was gorgeous. love it.

owh yeah, i'm gonna follow my gramps balik kampung tomorrow. damn. kes kene paksa. walaupon umah atuk ku tadek internet, bwk je la laptop nih. tgk cd ngan anime. nak demand balik subang balik the very next fucking day. dah le tade gang kat sane. pastu sure bosan. nak kene mengadap muka nenek aku yg gila kemut tuh lagi. nak isap okok mmg tak dapek ahh..ishkkk. pastu nak cover lidah ni lagi. kalo kantoi ni mmg depa panggil ustaz suh wat proses halau hantu kat aku. sialan.

sebenarnye ade banyak lagi. my cam, erlene's, and wani's. bole la request kalo nak gambaq. sian mekasey. like i said. it's not where you are, it's who you're with.

dok MMU gi hartamas. balik cuti pon gi hartamas gak. yesterday uhmm..tido sampai petang. parents tadek. atm card my mom with me. heheh, bad combo. leh isi minyak penoh. tetiba dpt kad tuh terer lak hapal pin number. malam gi buy food for my sis since maid dah balik. dak tuh ngengade nak roti canai la, McD la, ape laa. picked syana and Ha up and went to hartamas. syana dah bising sbb lambat. hoho. jumpe tersangat la ramai org kat sane, so takyah ah sebut name. mmu melaka dan cyber unites! haha. played pool. menang TWICE ngan syana. kalah sipi2 ngan hazmel. owh yeah, jumpe kalman. siot ko. dah tinggi dari aku ek ko. baru satu sem! balik umah, si org gile call. then chat chat chat. then org gile online. so chat la ngan org gile. then org gile majuk. then kene pujuk org gile. haihhh... naik gile la aku sekejap.

hellow subang! okie, not that i get to see much of subang since i got home but i did get a taste of Ha's driving. haha. enuff said.

i thought i would have this cash raining on me the moment i step home. but noooo, i just HAVE to forget that my dad is STILL in perak! so no cash. no shopping yet. and he even made me gave my 50 bucks to my lil bro so that he can buy this dumb YO YO!! yo yo for a fucking 40 ringgit. hish hish. speaking of the blur and absent minded lil bro of mine, he happens to be observant. he called me and pointed at me, then his tongue, asking 'what's that?' shit. cannot cover dah. so i just stick my tongue out and give him a shush. he just nods.

sabrina. lil sis. pulled me, saying she has a crush. ok, i thought she told me this already. 'bukan name dea Izudin ke?' i ask. 'no no, Izudin suka Na(he gave her a love letter to tell her this, can u imagine kids these days??), Na ade crush kat Naimi'. she answered cheekishly. ok, mind you. sabrina is in standard 2. she's not even 8 YET!!! owh..k..a..y... -_-"

mom, bro and sisters went to perak. so i had a lazy day. asma called. twice. didnt notice till at around 12 midnight. i was at carlos at the time. having shisha with my big bro, his 2 frenz, another lil bro, and my sis. showed my big bro the stud. he had this look. i saw it coming. it's the kinda look that says, "what has happened to my lovely, innocent, little sister?" shocked too. owh well, better show it off to phandi. and he seem to have a better reaction. mate sepet terus besar and he went "wow!". asked lots of questions bout it. seemed fascinated by it. and he seemed to admire it. heheheh. and the chubbykins looked cute with his squinting eyes and pink cheeks. too bad ur my bro's fren. haha! and the guys seemed amuse by how much shisha i had. if only they know that i smoke. *shivers*

got home and got hungry. gotta give up my pride and try cooking. now i know Daisy Milk is not the suitable milk to be used to make French Toast. *ughh* hate cooking. hate hate hate.

HOLY DAYS. ok la holiday. same shit. smalam bangun tido nak gi hartamas. tgh tido bonda dah calling tanye takmo balik umah ke. bangun tido dah bingit sumpah seranah yg zippo aku dah bertukar tangan sampai ke ujung dunia(aka cyberia). lambatnye pasal kene tinggal disuruh pegi kendian dek reena sumer. malas nak bwk keta(minyak cecukop nak balik subang today, tu le pasal. pastu leh ketuk bapak bagi full balik). nak tumpang org tuh pon susah. bikin bingit. found out husna tak jadi gi, so keta peegee ade space. whoohooo! layan billy talent n muse kuat2 dlm keta. speaker PG besh woo.

gi artamas. dpt zippo ku balik. mekasey 'ai. mkn blackpepper chicken tak puas. brownies dah tadek kat uncle don. mesti org brownies tuh yg pembunuh. sri potong. seating arrangements tak betol. heheh, takpe, lain kali ade. kan wani kan?? main foosball kat breakerz. syana main sampai bola tercampak kuar..haha, jauh kejar. pastu gi main pool. kalah 2 menang 1 ngan syana. duk tgk lak the guys main. bola tercampak konon skill. gatal nak cilok bola pool purple. hish.

then jumpe baby n peegee balik kat uncle don. isap okok lagi. stok kene bagi abis seblom balik umah. kene interrogate dan kene bahan ngan baby, sri, wani dgn teruk gila. menyehmenyehmenyeh! korang mmg nak kene jual. wani pon tak kurang gak kene bahan balik. hohoho. sengih sengih.

then lepak mapley kat kl lepas pusing2. sri ngan suwey nyer bukak citer antu. seko bukak sumer bukak ah kan. then citer pasal accident. sbb waktu tgh bingit2 ngan org johor, teringat kat Zulkarnain. die duk johor dulu. tatau asal tetiba sebak, sbb tuh bole nangis dlm bathroom. babi tol. sayang Nain. Al-Fatihah.

balik cyber tido dlm keta. baby kejut cos just before limkokwing ade accident. keta flipped, terbalik. there was blood by the sidewalk. polis ade. becos of the accident terus diam sume org. baby dah muka takut. balik bilik kene sound ngan baby suh jgn bwk cam org gile dah. sian org tuh.

disebabkan sri mengong yg bukak citer antu, 3 org gi toilet skali. bodoh.

now rumates dah balik. tinggal sorang. syana ngan wani cam belom bangun lagi. depa mau tumpang. takpe, biar deaorg tido. sendrik pon lom packing. pastu nak sandwich. yeay yeay. cuti nak shopping. seblom sara beli bag purple tuh baik beli dulu. ehhehehe. cuti cuti cuti. enjoy 2 minggu yeay. seminggu terakhir tuh kene blaja for supp. babi bhutto. yeay entry panjang. haha, cuti sure tade update. so bagi pepanjang sket. sekian mekaseh first trimester 2004/2005. like baby said, i will not miss you. u sucked.

the blardy damned fucked up and screwed up trimester has end.

barred and dropped:BCT1024
confirm failed subjects:BMT 1014 and BAC 1014
most likely gonna fail: BMG 1014 and PMS 1020
pass sipi2:insya allah BIM 1014

worst sem to date this is. i dont even know 2 of my tutors as i never go to the tutorials. hoho. studied? hell no. read and register nothing into this brain. worst sem i tell ya. bad start bad effort bad ending. next sem new sem, new beginning all over again. try again. chaiyukk! chaiyukk abeshhhh

okies. now i'm sleepy beyond reason. hoooray the paper ended. hooray we'll go lepaking at hartamas tonite. hooray i'll ketuk my dad and go to MNG and buy those purple bags(take that for going skiing and snowboarding in auckland without me! *sobs*  ), owh yeah ketuk somemore and shop shop shop. hooray. padan muke. who asked to u to have kids? amik amik.

haha, bloody fun joke on baby. menjadi and she screamed her head off at me and suffocated me. i enjoyed it very much. the expression was priceless. muahahahahah. anonymous. muahahahahah. stop it. she'll strangle me in my sleep. wahahahahhahahhaha. the grinch ek. baru puji. wakakakkakaaa.

ok ok , enuff crapping. i better pass BIM cos somebody's gonna have to blanje me. heheheheh.

~the ashness needs her royal slumber~

ps:wake me up for hartamas. mwahx

11:35 am. tadi ade paper BIM. smalam blaja kat umah sara sampai pagi ngan dura, reena and sara skalik. punye la bosan bace buku text tuh sampai leh sangap tahap gaban sampai gi antar msg kat si kerek yg garang tuh. ishk ishk ishk, ape nak jadi la alia. dea call balik then seperti biasa, kerek2 dan gaduh2 sesame sendrik. i remember gaduh waktu on the phone ngan dea dulu then i marah and said, "u ni gile emo, kerek, sket2 nak marah, sume mende i ckp u carik pasal, u ni ORG JOHOR KE??!!" skali dea jwb ape daa,"MMG I ORG JOHOR, salah ke? mane u tau?" whoopsss. damn it. skali betol dea worang itu johor sana daaa. potong.

ok, sambung citer. then bace text book sampai abis gak arh. then tido. reena asyik sakit, sian dea. lepas blaja gi makan kat precint 9, balik cyber, mandi, gerak gi exam. punye la malas, kami gi venue FOE naik keta. jwb2, 10:20 kuar. insya allah pass. then jumpe reena kat keta. sian dea, muntah waktu exam. teman dea gi jumpe doctor. dea kate stress. hmpfthh, doctor MMU, evrything blame on stress. kotnyer org tuh sakit lain*nauzubillah*.

tomorrow got two more papers. damn. abih blog cpat2 tido. mlm kang nak kene stadi sket.

170+cm . 65 kg . sepet . cerah . chinese look . goatie(ngeeheheheh) . misai(tak best, ape kate u shave) . gile . kerek . garang . kurang ajar . suka mencarut . sweet . rajin pujuk dan mengalah . suke carik pasal . call me pompuan sial . call me kimak . call me comel . picked up the phone even tho i kacau u tido . baik ati call and abiskan ur credit when i'm bored . rajin melayan org merapu . tak marah when dikacau tgh busy kerja . suka sumpah org . suka gaduh . suka gelak bile org bingit . si johor yg emo dan gedik tak tentu pasal . u bring me down just to lift me up . fighting with u is fun . if we dont scream our heads off at each other, we'd have nothing else to do .